The Power of 'With,' Not 'For'
- Lewis Bartelle
- Oct 25
- 3 min read
Ending the Theft of Struggle
Hey friends, Lewis here. This one is especially important for the caregivers, spouses, and loved ones out there who pour their hearts into supporting us. I know you want to help, but sometimes helping too much can actually hinder the survivor’s progress.
When you see someone you love struggling with a simple task—like tying a shoe or forming a complex sentence—your instinct is to step in and fix it. That intention comes from a place of deep, powerful love, and for that, we are eternally grateful.
But here is the tough truth I learned in my own recovery: We need you to work with us, not for us.
The "Theft of Struggle"
This was honestly the most frustrating part of my recovery. It was making me feel completely useless and broken. When you are already fighting to regain basic functions, being constantly hovered over and having tasks completed for you crushes the spirit. That’s why I call it the "theft of struggle."
The "theft of struggle" occurs when a caregiver, out of love and efficiency, feels the need to do everything for the survivor and won't let us try anything for ourselves. They are unintentionally stealing the one thing we need most to heal: the opportunity to overcome a challenge independently.
The Neuroplasticity Connection
We, the survivors, HAVE to try and fail at things—that is the only way our brains can progress.
This necessity is rooted in science: neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity is the brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections. Those new pathways are only built through repeated, effortful attempts, particularly when the attempt is challenging. If a loved one does the task for us, the brain has no reason to form the new connection. The potential for progress is lost.
Think about watching a clumsy child learn to walk. They fall down constantly, but we cheer them on and let them get back up. We are now, in a sense, doing it all over again.
It can be very frustrating when someone is constantly doing everything for us. It should be teamwork and encouragement, because I don't want others to feel as useless as I did in those moments.
Doing With Versus Doing For
The core of effective support lies in the distinction between these two concepts:
Doing For Us (The Hinderance)
You grab the cup or remote before we can reach for it.
You finish our sentence because we paused to breathe (a common challenge with dysarthria).
You manage every single aspect of our day-to-day life without asking us to participate.
The Result: Dependence, lost confidence, and halted neuroplasticity.
Doing With Us (The Empowerment)
You sit patiently and watch as we struggle, offering encouragement instead of intervention.
You ask, "Do you want help with that, or do you want to try one more time?"
You manage the schedule, but you delegate tasks to us, even if they take us ten times longer.
The Result: Independence, massive confidence boosts, and active progress.
Allowing us to experience the satisfaction of overcoming a challenge independently is a massive confidence builder.
Your Role in Our Hustle
This necessity of struggle is a concept I detail further in my complete guide, Beyond Shattered. Loved ones, your job is to create the space for that struggle to happen.
We, the survivors, must bring the effort. For a deeper dive into the survivor's side of this bargain—the intense, internal work we must do—I highly recommend reading our guide on finding The Hustle: Why Recovery is an Inside Job.
The most loving thing you can do for us is sometimes the hardest thing: Step back, trust our effort, and wait.
Click here to get the complete manual that talks about this and much more, Beyond Shattered!
What is the hardest task you, the caregiver, have had to patiently wait for a survivor to complete on their own? Share your experience in the comments.
