😡The Unseen Inner Frustration
- Lewis Bartelle
- Oct 17
- 3 min read
Why Your Anger Isn't Directed at Them
Hey friends, Lewis here. This article dives into the emotional core of living with dysarthria and other invisible challenges after a stroke. It’s about a feeling we all know too well: frustration.
You might be the survivor, snapping over a dropped pen or a confusing sentence. Or you might be the loved one, feeling personally attacked by that sudden flash of anger. I’m here to tell you what's really happening in those moments, because understanding this dynamic is the very first step toward reducing tension and improving communication.
The Boiling Point: When Simple Tasks Become Impossible
As stroke survivors, we all have a history of competence. We've performed simple tasks—pouring a glass of water, tying a shoe, or clearly articulating a thought—thousands of times in our lives with ease.
Then, the stroke happens.
In those moments where we are trying to do something that should be effortless, but is now hard or near impossible, the tension boils over. This isn't external anger; it’s a deep, powerful internal reaction to the loss of control and ability.
I (we) sometimes yell at ourselves in anger. It is this outburst, meant only for ourselves, that others hear and mistakenly take as a personal offense. Now, an episode that was already personally frustrating spirals into a small argument between two people, and suddenly, we have to deal with someone else’s hurt feelings on top of our own trauma.
This is the Unseen Battle Over Inner Frustration, and it is emotionally exhausting.
The Warrior's Burden: Dealing with the "New Normal"
We are constantly told we must “keep positive” or “stay strong,” and yes, we should strive for that in the overall big picture. But guess what? We’re human too. We all get upset or yell at things we cannot control—it’s just life.
When you see us snap, please understand the immense emotional pressure we are under. We are handling and dealing with all this “new normal” stuff—the dysarthria, the ataxia, the daily deficits—that you have never experienced. This is exactly what makes us warriors! We push through, try to keep a smile on our face, and still get out of bed every day (or try to).
But that fight is what fuels harsh and unfair judgments about us. Others might say, "Well, so-and-so is always in a bad mood." Not always, but we DO have our days. I’d like to see anyone roll around in a chair and deal with speech issues and always be happy.
A Simple Request: Give Us a Break
If you are around us when we have a sudden outburst of frustration, please, give us a break. Don't take things personally.
Understand this: You don't truly know a person until you walk a mile in their shoes. Well, some of us can't! We just roll around in a chair!
Wouldn't you get angry from time to time?
This inward anger is a natural, momentary response to a massive trauma we deal with daily. It is not directed at you, your suggestions, or your presence. It is directed solely at this "new, messed up situation."
By giving us space in that moment and understanding that our frustration is focused on our disability, not your person, you become a vital part of our support system. You help us deal with the pain without also having to shoulder the burden of conflict, which allows us to reset and push forward with a smile sooner.
Final Thoughts
The key to navigating the Unseen Battle Over Inner Frustration is empathy and perspective. Recognize the difference between frustration and directed anger, and simply choose not to engage with the initial heat of the moment, that might make things worse.
To my fellow survivors: know that your anger is valid. Just try to find healthy ways to express it, and remind your loved ones that your fight is internal.
If you need more help with the communication piece, check out my partner article: Being Understood: The Speaker and Listener's Guide.
What is the most frustrating small task that still makes you want to yell? Share your experience in the comments.
